how to hold safe space for your loved ones

First of all, what does it even mean to “hold space” for someone?

I’ll be honest. I never heard of this phrase until I got exposed to coaching, so I don’t want to assume everyone knows. If you do, bear with me for just a second.

Holding space refers to being fully present for someone, physically, mentally, and emotionally, without judgement. It’s when we say, “I’m there for you”, especially when people you care about are going through a hard time. But here’s the key – when we hold space for someone, we are not trying to offer any advice or solutions, nor are we trying to verbally comfort them. We are not jumping in to try to “save” them. We are simply, there.

We listen to them with our full attention and compassion. We are there to empower them because we trust that they can process their emotions on their own. We are there to let them know that they are safe with you.

Holding space is the process of allowing, acknowledging and validating someone’s emotions. This is not easy to do. Not only because many of us are normally busy thinking of a response when we “listen”, but also when we see our loved one struggles, we naturally want to ease their pain.  On top of that, catching others’ emotions, especially strong, negative emotions, can often stir up our own strong emotions. It takes practice, but trust me, if you continue to learn to hold space for your loved ones, it’ll greatly improve your relationships and cultivate stronger love.

Here are a few things we can do to give someone space when they need it:

1. Be fully aware of their emotions as well as your own emotions – focus on emotions and not “facts”. We are all humans. What caused the emotions doesn’t matter here. It will, eventually, when their strong emotions pass. But in this moment, resist the temptation to “help”.

2. Allow all emotions to flow – remember, it’s more about “being” than “doing”. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize. Don’t comfort. And don’t be afraid of silence. Sometimes your silence is actually more powerful support than anything else.

3. Listen beyond what they say – listen to their problems and their feelings; “listen” to their body language; and “listen” to their energy field. Even if you are not saying much, by picking up any subtle cues they send, you will increase your compassion and empathy, and therefore, better holding space for them.

4. Keep your own healthy boundaries – if you are not in a mental or emotional state to hold space for them, don’t be afraid to communicate openly and lovingly. Let them know you can’t catch their emotions right now, and encourage them to get support from someone else they can trust. Ensure them that you’ll be there for them when you are in a better state.

Holding space takes tremendous efforts, patience and practice, but the love and trust you cultivate, and the deep bond you foster will transform your relationships.